The Story of My Life Part III
It stopped raining once I was outside. So the umbrella sat idly in my oversized abaya pockets .I wasn't really planning on using it anyhow, unless, the non existent downpour was threating me with pneumonia.
The path to the gate was long and overcrowded and our conversation seemed to fill the space. It's strange how fulfilling a moment can be yet how quickly it can fade. I can't really recall what we were saying just that it felt comforting, easy to say, as if wind was blowing through our throats not making a sound as such but its presence still known.
It has been 4 months and counting since I've spoken to her, bar a salaam carried by a mutual friend, but then I guess that doesn't count. In my naivety I found ease in not hearing about her, like a child believing the world physically disappears if it closes its eyes. Though , these eyes were open to see progress, no touching ,as if it deserved a Nobel Prize , as if this achievement was unparalleled and perhaps it could have been but it was short lived in its nature.
This heart though it strives is not that of a martyr , nor someone particularly truthful or righteous for that matter . This heart types. I let it type, I give it time because it is reassuring to know that it is alive. At that moment that immense love , that 'I will always forgive you no matter what' attitude faded . I couldn't feel saddened that she is tumbling down dead ended paths. No, not even anger at what she had done. Just nothing. The kind of nothing that seeps and covers everything . It's like a blanket on the heart saying sleep and though it is easier that way and though the whole world says give up and walk away , I can't or rather I don't want to.
There is blessing in the lack of rain on this head.God has shown me how much I can love by restricting that gift . It's like donating blood, they pull back the syringe slowly and you wonder how much longer it will be prolonged.Then you realize how quickly the blood flows , how easily and readily our souls pour forth. So I wonder if this numbing is the removal of the syringe and the soreness of the skin beneath . I wonder how much benefit that outburst of my blood will bring . I do not think that I would let my heart type if I didn't witness the blood spill all that time ago.
O my Lord! Expand me my breast; Ease my task for me; And remove the impediment from my speech, so they may understand what I say
Surah Ta-Ha; 20:25-28
Part I, Part II, To be forgiven