Sunday, 4 November 2012


From time to time I check your blog because it is all that I have left . I wonder if something I have sent or said so long ago has finally taken its effect . It is as it always is , a reminder, that no matter how precisely I plan , no matter how much I long I have no knowledge except that which is granted and  my actions have no weight except those that have been decreed into your life .

It is silly I think as I type, if everything had changed then your blog would no longer exist as it has become a testimony to everything that has consumed you. Yet I type with some kind of false hope and click with eyes eager to see the good .And I always do find something good, well kind of , I find something not as bad as the rest , something with potential and that is enough to put me at ease. As I do not ask perfection from anyone rather I ask for somebody to strive alongside with me.

To cut a very long story short, the first post on the screen was profound in so many ways . A montage of clips all showing , all showing the rain falling. I remember verses of poetry about those little circles , about the rain falling as I read for you, about me under that tree on the other side of the street , about prayers made at night with rain hammering against the window , about staring at the pavement and wet socks, about this year , about the rain and most importantly about you...

Is it wrong for me to believe that we are so similar in so many ways. Is it wrong for me to believe that what distances us is trivial . Is it wrong that I think if you were me and I was you I hope that you would never give up on me. And I pray that soon, so tantalizingly soon you will look at that post again and see all that I see and more. I pray you will see how God's mercy falls upon us so heavily and how much we avoid it for a time and how despite it all God can make daisies grow from the grey cracked pavement.

I cried because I doing my best and that is still not good enough. I cried because I can't save them if they can't save themselves. I'm being patient. I know these things take time. Lots and lots of time. I know that I can't give up. I can't lose hope in Allah (swt). It is true though. Allah doesn't guide those whom you love, rather He guides those whom He wills. And that is a fact we have to accept. As we are, ultimately, His slaves after all.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent, sheer beauty yet again my dear sister by Allah's grace. Interestingly enough, though I know not the details of the pain you feel, somehow my own feelings intertwine with yours.
    We were close, but our lives took drastic changes. However, she left a mark on me that cannot be forgotten. I pray for her guidance and no matter what I can't stop caring about her. For some reason, it's like I just sense so much good inside of her, so much potential, if only she would open her eyes. But I know I cannot open them for her no matter how much I want to...only Allah can. We spoke the other day in the library and I can only pray that by my Lord's grace, my words will have some effect on her heart.
    And I pray that guidance shall fall on these and on any hearts that have even the slightest good in them by the mercy of our Lord. <3